That title may give the wrong impression because I am not gay. Also, I'm not truly coming out since no one really reads this blog (though there were the 3 views from Russia and 1 from Germany.)
Here is my big secret-I am an atheist. That means I am not only not Christian but I don't believe in God at all.
The problem is that I'm living a lie. My hubs and I have tried time and again to believe in God. Each time we go back gets shorter and I feel less enthusiastic. I just can't buy what they're selling. It makes no sense to my more scientifically trained brain and doesn't do much for my heart. We are both fine with this. It changes my perspective on life a bit, but that's ok. The real difficulty is that religion, Christianity specifically, is such a part of the majority of people's identities where we live. I've gone to church, my kids go to Bible study every week, we were even baptized. Now it's so awkward running into people we know. The pastor who baptized us lives across the street from my parents. I've had nightmares about seeing him and getting scolded but in reality, he just ignores my husband and I. Other members of the church see us out and about and quiz us about where we've been. My parents frequently ask us when we're going back to church, adding that the children need to be brought up right. Friends ask us to pray or pray for us.
No one knows our secret. Courage is not something I have in large quantities. Guilt I do have. Every time I let people think that I am still Christian, I am lying about who I am. I'm not sure how long I can keep this charade up. Worse, I'm not sure I could give it up. Disapproving looks, people avoiding us, parents keeping their kids away from mine, the list goes on and on. Maybe I'll just stay here in the closet with the coats.
