Alzheimers

"It came to me then, that every plan is a tiny prayer to father time."

Death Cab for Cutie

In December my Mom was diagnosed with Alzheimers disease.  I don't think any of us were really surprised.  For a long time she has had a terrible short term memory.  That diagnosis was a firm end stamped on her life.  We have no idea how long it will be before things get really bad, but we know the path that will be taken.  I swear that I heard a door slam shut in that room.  My Mom had just turned 64.

The unexpected side effect of this is what I think most disturbs me.  Trust me, I am ill at the thought of watching my Mom slowly forget who we are and lose herself.  Who wouldn't be?  The thing I am struggling with unexpectedly is that over the past few years my short term memory has been failing too.  At first I just thought I wasn't really working out my brain much and that was the cause.  I joked with my Mom that I was going to be worse than she was.  And then came the diagnosis.

Looking at the research is no comfort.  There is a strong genetic component to Alzheimers.  A few genes have been linked to the disease.  For the most part, having the gene does not guarantee you will get Alzheimers.  There is a gene that is linked to early onset Alzheimers which is much more scary.  I read a study that said there is a less than 5% chance of NOT developing the disease if you have the gene.  Too many unknowns to start freaking out, right?  Tell that to my brain.  If I had a bunch of money, I would find someone to test me or both of us to see if there was a genetic component.  I don't though, so here I sit.

I'm 38 years old.  Not a kid, but most people wouldn't feel they needed to think so hard about "the end."  I can't seem to help it.  There are so many things that I want to do, so many places I want to travel.  We've toyed with the idea of moving abroad at some point.  I would love that.

I've also given a lot of thought to what a disease like that will do to my family.  Crazy as I am, I have researched which countries will allow assisted suicide.  Here is where it gets tricky though. If I do somehow get to the Netherlands, presumably I'll be too screwed up to be able to plan it.  I can't ask my husband.  I'm trying to save pain, not create more.  So then who will decide when I'm enough gone that it's time?  I'd prefer sooner than later, but I guess I'll have to worry about this later.

In the meantime, I am struggling to deal with what will happen to my Mom.  It's almost more than I can bear to think about what this is going to do to her and also to my Dad.  So I do what I do about a lot of other painful things.  I do my best not to think about it.  I also have struggled with what to tell my children.  For now, I am telling them nothing.  There is no reason they need to share this burden with me.  Grandma is forgetful.  Oh well.