Day of Hope

Today is Diabetes Hope for a Cure Day.  You're supposed to write hope on your hand and allow yourself for just one day to hope that there will be a cure for diabetes.  Normally I don't get sucked into these things too much because honestly I'm not hopeful.  Progress is being made in both treatment as well as toward a cure.  I can't allow myself to get wrapped up in it though.  Diabetes and the suckiness of it is a part of my daily life.  It's a part of who my son is.  4 years and 5 months since his diagnosis and nothing much has changed.

Last Sunday we had a very scary, dangerous incident with my boy.  He had a seizure from a low blood sugar.  We did everything right.  We didn't make any mistakes.  He seemed to have had a bit of a stomach virus and his blood sugar dropped dangerously low.  We'll never know just how low.  The images of that morning are burned into my memory as well as my husband's.  They have haunted my nightmares.  I am trying to focus on the fact that he is ok now.  I just get a bit panicky thinking about what could have happened.  What if this had happened in the night?  We check his blood sugar twice every night, but there are nights I've forgotten to set the alarm and not woken up.  Children do die.

So to try and get through this ordeal our family went through, I am allowing myself to hope today.  Just today I am going to imagine what life will be like someday for us.  I wonder if I'll still wake up in the night out of habit.  We could be figuring out a way to buy some cool frivolous electronic rather than a piece of medical equipment where we need a $500 deposit and $156/month.  I wouldn't have such an intimate relationship with the school nurse.  I could possibly not shower with my cell phone.  I think the wrinkles and aging are permanent though.

For now, my son is safe.  He is healthy.  What more can I ask for?

My Heart

Sometimes a person comes into your life at precisely the time when you desperately need them.  In the fall of 1990, I was at a very low point.  My self esteem was the lowest it had ever been.  I had just ended a relationship with someone quite toxic and along with a friend, had sworn off any interactions with boys. I was going to try and focus on my grades, as I was starting my senior year and had let my grades fall.  Then I saw the man I would fall head over heels for and spend the rest of my life with.  Patrick was gorgeous and so cool.  I'd never seen anyone like him before.  Eventually, with some intervention from my sister, he asked me out.  I'm not sure if it's supposed to happen like this or not, but I remember the exact moment I fell in love.  Just thinking of it makes my heart skip a beat.

Prom

The Night He Proposed

I'm not sure how to describe him other than my soulmate.  That term is so overused, I hate using it, but I can think of no other to describe him.  I knew, and I think Patrick did too, that this was it.  Thinking of it now, I can't imagine that something like this could happen when I was not quite 17 and he wasn't yet 18 -   but it did.  We were meant to be together.  The longer we're together, the more I believe that.  We finish each other's sentences and sometimes know what is on the other's mind even when we're apart.  I've never felt so beautiful as when he looks at me.  His love made me think that if he could love me, there must be something worth loving.  I love him so deeply and completely that I think I would cease to exist if he didn't.

Loving Patrick was easy.  It wasn't a choice I made.  Deciding to spend forever together was the choice and it hasn't always been easy.  There have been some stumbling blocks along the way, but underneath it all was our unbelievably passionate love.  We have gotten each other through some very difficult times.  We've also experienced joy greater than I ever thought possible.  Our three perfect children seem to be the perfect manifestation of our love.  Nothing could mean more to me than our precious life together.  Patrick, you are my life and my heart.  I will be yours until my heart stops beating.

Most Definitely NOT A Helicopter Parent

When did parenting become living your child's life?  Parents have tried to take their kids' college entrance exams.  I just read an article that many parents of kids just entering the workforce are negotiating salary and benefits for their children.   My personal belief is that I am raising my children to be independent, thinking little people who will grow up to become independent, thinking adults.  I can't imagine not trusting my mostly grown children to live their own lives.

What were those parents like when their children were young?  I'm sure you know the type.  I do.  They are the parents who are at school at every possible opportunity.  They are constantly in contact with their children's teachers, negotiating grades and making excuses for every misstep.  In fact, many of these parents are virtually doing their children's homework for them!  I see them at my youngest daughter's ballet class.  They're the ones standing with their faces pressed against the glass every second of every class.  They're the ones pushing the teacher to move their child to the higher class because they are so "naturally gifted."  It seems like this is putting pressure on the kids and taking away their natural enjoyment of the activity.

These are the parents who have let go enough to let their children attend school.  While I can appreciate some benefits of homeschooling, I've also known plenty of people who just can't let their children go.  Instead of helping their child overcome any anxiety about being separated from their parents, they encourage it and begin homeschooling.  I've known moms who actually complain about the structure in school as well as that they just don't want other adults "telling their kids what to do."  My thoughts were always that someday our children will have their own lives and jobs.  They will have to work cooperatively with other people, make deadlines and take orders from their bosses, whether they like it or not.  Maybe these parents are the ones who will be taking college entrance exams and interceding in their children's careers.

I love my kids.  I do.  The only person in the world I love more is my husband.  I am actively involved in their lives.  However, we all deserve to spend time away from each other.  I adore when my kids get in the car after school.  I love hearing about their days.  I am not jealous of them having lives without me.  I am proud that they can be so successful on their own, knowing that I am there if they need me.